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Nine.

It’s fall again, the comfort of the season all around me like thoughts of you.

I write letters to you in my head, mostly in the middle of the night when my brain refuses to give in to the pressures of sleep, because that hasn’t changed. I think of all the things unsaid, left hanging in the air like dim stars that will never burn in the way they may have been intended. Or perhaps you knew; you seemed to always know. In the deepest stillness, I can hear your laughter and feel the touch of your gentle hands. I see your smile everyday. Missing. Just . . . missing.

Wherever you’ve gone and wherever you are, I believe you can hear me. I sometimes feel you in that serendipitous way where thoughts of you creep catlike through my mind, and if I stop for a moment, we are there together, however fleetingly. It’s what sustains me on my darkest days, and what adds to my happiness on the brightest.

I would give anything to have one more night in your living room, cozy on the couch with a roaring fire, so I could tell you all the things that have happened since we last spoke. I would tell you all about the places in the world I’ve been, the things I’ve seen, and how I’ve loved and grieved and felt so lost and at the same time completely found. Because I know you would understand me in a way that only a soulmate can.

As my beloved October arrives, I feel the warmth and the chill of all of it all at once. I watch the leaves fall and am again reminded that to everything there is a season. It’s all so bittersweet, this life. You arrive, you love, you laugh, you cry, you make beautiful messes, you depart. I will never be more grateful than for every autumn we shared.

For everything we ever were and everything that remains, you’re with me still.

Ever mine.

Ever thine.

Ever ours.

Nine

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Nine.

It’s fall again, the comfort of the season all around me like thoughts of you. I write letters to you in my head, mostly in the middle of the night when my brain refuses to give in to the pressures of sleep, because that hasn’t changed. I think of all the things unsaid, left hangingContinue Reading

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Remembering Michael

A piece of my heart died tonight when I found out Michael Higdon had died. Like all news of that sort, I felt like I’d been punched square in the chest. He was immortal in my mind. Despite emphysema, despite that he was 71 years old, Michael would always be the man whose laughter permeatesContinue Reading

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The Ache of Elsewhere

The Ache of Elsewhere

To my beloved October: Even after all we’ve been through—especially after all we’ve been through—I eagerly await your return every year. You’ve often delivered painful news + one particular life-changing, gut-punch loss, but inevitably, you never fail to bring me such joy. And because of that, I am endlessly fascinated by you. Thank you for being here. As I ache. AsContinue Reading

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And Just Like That, It Was June

And Just Like That, It Was June

“There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth . . . not going all the way, and not starting.” – Buddha May and June passed each other at midnight. “Welcome back,” whispered May, kissing June on the cheek before  disappearing into the darkness. “So many lovely miles to go,” sighed June,Continue Reading

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The Jeweler

The Jeweler

“Creating art allows us to express our deepest feelings and ideas without having to put a name to them.” – Robert Dalton My eyes darted around when I walked in; I had no idea which way to look first. There was stuff everywhere in the tiny space. Glass cases to my left, paintings and sculpturesContinue Reading

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The Promise of a New May

The Promise of a New May

“It is spring again. The earth is like a child that knows poems by heart.” ―Rainer Maria Rilke “Spring work is going on with joyful enthusiasm.” ― John Muir “What a strange thing! to be alive beneath cherry blossoms.”  ― Kobayashi Issa “As full of spirit as the month of May, and as gorgeous asContinue Reading

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Jaunty Man

Jaunty Man

“Some hats can only be worn if you’re willing to be jaunty, to set them at an angle and to walk beneath them with a spring in your stride as if you’re only a step away from dancing.” ― Neil Gaiman Lucca, Italy. My eyes scanned my surroundings—the perfect mix of residents and tourists—always onContinue Reading

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In and Out of Africa . . . Again

In and Out of Africa . . . Again

“There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find how you yourself have altered.” – Nelson Mandela It’s felt different each of the three times I’ve been back—but it always feels like home. Everything bathed in a warm, golden light. Lone trees on the horizon. And the skies. Oh, the skiesContinue Reading

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My Magic Camera

My Magic Camera

“Magic is believing in yourself, if you can do that, you can make anything happen.” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe I was at the movies, which looked more like an airport, with rows of uncomfortable seats semi-aimed at various screens showing non-discernable movies. I sat, joined shortly by two men near me on my right,Continue Reading

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Piece of My Heart

Piece of My Heart

“What’ll I do When you are far away And I am blue What’ll I do? What’ll I do with just a photograph To tell my troubles to? When I’m alone With only dreams of you That won’t come true What’ll I do?”  – Irving Berlin I regret so much being so caught up in theContinue Reading

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